It sounds like there are a lot of complex emotions and dynamics at play here. It's understandable that you may be feeling conflicted and unsure about reconnecting with your partner, especially given the history of the affair and your interest in kink.

It's important to take the time to process your feelings and figure out what you want and need in a relationship. If you haven't already, it may be helpful to have an honest and open conversation with your partner about your concerns and boundaries. Communication is key in any relationship, and it's important to make sure you both are on the same page and understand each other's needs and desires.

If you're finding it difficult to navigate these conversations on your own, it may be helpful to seek the support of a therapist or counselor who can provide an objective perspective and help guide you through this process. 

Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and make decisions that feel authentic and true to yourself. It's okay to take things slow and to set boundaries if you're not ready to reconnect with your partner. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to honor them.

It's understandable that your partner may have a different perspective on kink and may not feel comfortable exploring it. However, it's important to remember that everyone's sexual desires and boundaries are valid.

It may be helpful to have a conversation with your partner about their concerns and whether they view kink in a negative light. It's important to approach the conversation in a non-judgmental and compassionate way, while also being clear about your own desires and boundaries.

It's also important to consider whether you and your partner are compatible in terms of sexual desires and needs. If your partner is unwilling to understand or explore your desires, it may be difficult to find a mutually satisfying solution. - Arienne Williams, MS, LPC, SexBecause